Editorial Note: I started this piece as an email message to a friend whom I told, "I know you must have a burning question rumbling around in your brain." But clarity grew as I wrote, and I knew very quickly, that this had NOTHING to do with "his brain", and everything to do with one of the [old] "holes in my gut". A little bit further on, I knew it would most likely be a piece to publish. Let it now be known --- even though I published this for certain folks who find comfort and identification when I write from the "rock pit" this way, that this one is really from me to myself. Here then, is another chunk of my soul ... willingly dished up for public consumption.

THE BURNING QUESTION.....

Can we talk? (Picture Joan Rivers, here.)

I figure you must be wondering at least a tiny little bit why I say I can't get my computer or the rest of my disastrous life in order; yet I will spend countless hours on one basically unnecessary project, or another.

It's after 8:00pm here (Friday, June 13, 2003). I haven't consumed anything but water, nor slept one wink, since the day before yesterday. This happens when I get focused on a "project". The photos and my ideas about them, became just one part of the plans I had for a particular activity -- one which consumes time and energy. My Manic episodes do sometimes keep me up around the clock, and on occasion, my 90%-latent Anorexia, can get active, and keep me from food for more than 24 hours at a time.

So what is the burning question???

If I can devote such long hours and tremendous energy to a "pet project", why can't I use the same hours and energy to do something that REALLY needs to be done; and just start "taking care of business"?

Certainly, that question is a very good and important one, and if I were the person actually dealing with me, I would be asking it too. Of course my asking would be partly rhetorical, and the rest of it, would be the stuff of intervention (direct confrontation); because, as a 42-year veteran Life and Spiritual Coach, I already know why people practice these kinds of insane and damaging behaviors.

I cannot be dishonest about this. I must do what we in recovery call "pulling our own covers". I have known all along that my core problem is willingness. Truth is I just don't want to feel the pain that waits patiently for me to face it. It is more unbearable, off the scale, over the top, and intolerable to me, than any suffering created by my poor choices and erratic behaviors.

This is the difference between those who "hit bottom" over something, and those who don't.

Is this a totally immature part of me?

Unquestionably.

Does accomplishing such a daunting task of healing, require the level of commitment required by a gladiator facing a pride of lions?

Absolutely.

Am I ready to reach for such an option?

I wish I could offer myself a resounding, "YES!",

but .....

The truth is, my wounded self is not at any such "point of turning" (yet?), so the healthy, sensible part of me --- sadly a minority in my "inner corporate boardroom meeting" --- gets voted down everytime. (That was an excellent metaphor).

And so for starters, I offer myself the following list of poor excuses, as substitutes for the rational and productive reasoning I so desperately need to be practicing here.

The category of endless "projects" I permit myself to play with, don't require me to do the following:

* Stand on my feet for long hours
* Move or lift heavy objects
* Make difficult decisions on stuff that sends me into panic attacks
* Stop being a coward, and deal with the never-ending pain in my soul
* Stop escaping by doing what's emotionally safe for me
* Et cetera (You get the idea)

Some of those sound like serious reasons on first blush, and some of them actually are; but even though everything has a reason --- there are volumes of things in this life, for which there are NO EXCUSES!!!

I am the "Poster Child" for unacceptable excuses.

So what do I do with myself? That's a tough one, all right. I'm extraordinarly tenacious, and as with all qualities of personality, soul and character, tenacity can be either an asset or a liability, depending on how one uses the force and energy of it. In my case it has become a gruesome and devastating liability.

Sigh .....

In these moments, I always remind myself of the apostle Paul, who is famous for certain Biblical venting, about something which is common to the human condition.

He laments in detail about how he does the things he hates, and can't stop himself; while in turn, he would like to do good, but he doesn't.

Then, with exquisitely profound anguish and exaltation, he cries dramatically,
"O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?
I thank God ....." (King James Version)

~See Romans 7:18-19;21;24-25 (The Amplified Bible)

[Note: Special apologies to any devout Christians who will be offended that I did not complete the portion of scripture which mentions Jesus. However, it was not where I wanted my essay to "go" at the moment ..... and anyone who has read my writing knows: (#1) That I am spiritual, but not religious, and: (#2) That I have absolutely no interest in promoting any particular formal religious belief or creed.]

Where am I going with all this? Wherever it takes me. I have no illusions about change at this point. I've been on the battle front too long. Nothing in my being has really changed as of this moment --- much as I might wish it had. I am locked in lethal combat with myself, and the conflict is killing me by the half-inch.

Once again I must return to the one profound and sustaining truth to which I owe my life, and also what is healthy and right in me:

I could not continue without God. If it weren't for my deep and abiding love for Him; my work for him --- which is my mission ... and my reason for breathing in and out and being on the planet; the spiritual principles I honor in my spirit, and forever yearn to follow; and the volume of terrific people in my life, I would have blown my brains out years ago. But God, my mission, my spiritual family, and my values are what nourish my being, and keep me going.

And though I make these important things sound like desperate last resorts, the contrary is true. Because of things of the spirit being in my life, I am able to be content in the midst of horrendous circumstances. I find joy and fulfillment even while juggling my crises, and am able to be of healing service, even though my struggles are chronic and acute.

What more is there to say? God must be everything to my inner person --- or He is nothing. I will be here in the world, and do what I can. I will lovingly, passionately, and gratefully do these things, for as long as He wishes it.

..... and a hearty "Amen!" to that!

~finis~

Editorial Note:
I first posted this blog on March 8, 2003, but for some reason which escapes me now, I don't think I ever made it public. I think it's a bit of a hoot, so I'm offering it now.
Shelley
~~~



WELL.....THAT'S A GOOD ONE!

When you open on this SMILEY FACE PAGE , the first example is a smiley who's on a fence, then jumping down, and when he turns around to climb back up---he has a crack in his butt!!!---which is actually the back of his face??? Boy, is that Freudian, or what?

I guess you could call him a *REAL* "Buttface"!!!

LMAO....BIG TIME! (Speaking of butts)

Which reminds me of a cute riddle:

Q. Why does the *crack* in our butt go up-and-down (from top-to-bottom), instead of going from side-to-side?

(Note: For the answer, which is a physical one, you have to run your finger horizontally---like a mustache---up & down over your lips while humming, which makes a "blub-a-lub-a-lub" sound.)

A. So that when we're going down the slide at the park, our butts won't go "~~~~~~~" (blub-a-lub-a-lub)!

(Isn't that a riot? Haven't told it in a long time, and it's really outrageously funny when you do it in person---especially in a group---replacing this written description with an actual demo!)

~finis~


Link:
"Useless Graphics.Com"

Dear Xanga Friends
& Subscribers:

This message is especially for those of you who care to be reading it.

I so very much miss not being here, and I don't like that I haven't blogged on a regular basis. I also miss not reading anyone else's posts (with the exception of the Xanga team and it's four members --- collectively & individually --- to keep abreast of any Xanga changes or problems).

My mental, emotional, and physical disabilities, which have prevented my gainful employment for eleven and one-half years now (many of you are aware of this, from previous blogs), are getting in my way once again. The pattern of malfunction which develops in me, when I try to participate in most areas of my life, has now made it's premiere debut here at Xanga. DRAT!

It's called overwhelm. First, I get intensely involved in an activity of importance or interest to me, and then wind up creating [what is for me] a behemoth sized list of "things" which "MUST BE" taken care of. (Of course, the "must be" part is completely self-inflicted, but that is definitely a segment of the problem!)

So here I am, Lucy ..... tryin' to `splain what is basically not `splainable. I thank all of you who have subscribed to me, and have read me when I've been able to publish. I feel totally sheepish and guilty for not keeping abreast of what you folks are posting. (Guilty and sheepish to myself as well as to you, because I am depriving myself of the enjoyment I get when I DO avail myself of your thoughts and creativity.)

I can't predict when this "lockdown" of a slump will end. I am taking the time to write this blog, but it is causing me great anxiety, and I hate that part of it. I always like to experience joy and fulfillment when I write. (Sigh.....)

If only I could do like some of you, and write in the format called "stream of consciousness"; however, my perfectionistic tendencies (which are also one of the major causes of my difficulties), have me "chained" to producing "special" creations, which are as non-error-filled, as possible. Hence the act of blogging (like many another beloved pursuit) becomes excessively time consuming and ..... there's that 13-letter word again! .....OVERWHELMING!!!

Maybe after this I will try the "stream of consciousness" writing --- as a soul-growth exercise --- but I won't hold my breath, while waiting for it to materialize. At this point (as has been my past M.O.), it's only an idea, one which has been rumbling around inside me; yet as of this moment, has not escaped the solitary confinement of my brain!

[A humorous aside which I heard years ago, and adopted: "I should not be alone in my own head ..... `cuz it's a dangerous neighborhood!"]

Time will tell about all of this.

Another factor causing my absence, is that there are some important personal business issues going on in my life right now, which also have me overwhelmed and tied up in knots. Until they are history, I am not truly "free to play" here at Xanga. (Another sigh.....)

~~~
There are so many folks I want to give specific mention to, and [maybe by the next decade?!?] I will do so, but at this point I must reserve acknowledgement to only two of you.

#1
Always a thanks to Belindaann38 for her kindness and loyalty. A few days ago, I saw your comment in my chatterbox, Sweetie, and I left a reply there for you too!

#2
Gratitude to cedartree, who stumbled on my site, left eprops and a very kind and lovely comment, and also subscribed to my blog. Your out-of-the-blue visit inspired me to write this piece, and although there are many folks preceding you (for months now!) who deserve individual mention and/or investigation of their blog, I couldn't pass up this chance to honor you.

Thanks again Dear, for the kindly words in your comment; and when I finally return more fully to Xanga, and am playing catch-up with all my extraordinarily belated "Honorable Mentions" -- as well as the subsequent update of the "Sites I Read" -- I will visit your Blog. I'll comment there too, and probably subscribe.
~~~

I find that I enjoy about 99.9% of all the folks who seem to enjoy me also, and I have ultimately subscribed to all but a few of the ones I've read so far.

In closing, I hope I have the forgiveness and patience of the many Xanga friends I've not yet visited!


My heart and love to you all,
Shell