June 15, 2003


  • Editorial Note: I started this piece as an email message to a friend whom I told, "I know you must have a burning question rumbling around in your brain." But clarity grew as I wrote, and I knew very quickly, that this had NOTHING to do with "his brain", and everything to do with one of the [old] "holes in my gut". A little bit further on, I knew it would most likely be a piece to publish. Let it now be known --- even though I published this for certain folks who find comfort and identification when I write from the "rock pit" this way, that this one is really from me to myself. Here then, is another chunk of my soul ... willingly dished up for public consumption.


    THE BURNING QUESTION.....

    Can we talk? (Picture Joan Rivers, here.)

    I figure you must be wondering at least a tiny little bit why I say I can't get my computer or the rest of my disastrous life in order; yet I will spend countless hours on one basically unnecessary project, or another.

    It's after 8:00pm here (Friday, June 13, 2003). I haven't consumed anything but water, nor slept one wink, since the day before yesterday. This happens when I get focused on a "project". The photos and my ideas about them, became just one part of the plans I had for a particular activity -- one which consumes time and energy. My Manic episodes do sometimes keep me up around the clock, and on occasion, my 90%-latent Anorexia, can get active, and keep me from food for more than 24 hours at a time.

    So what is the burning question???

    If I can devote such long hours and tremendous energy to a "pet project", why can't I use the same hours and energy to do something that REALLY needs to be done; and just start "taking care of business"?

    Certainly, that question is a very good and important one, and if I were the person actually dealing with me, I would be asking it too. Of course my asking would be partly rhetorical, and the rest of it, would be the stuff of intervention (direct confrontation); because, as a 42-year veteran Life and Spiritual Coach, I already know why people practice these kinds of insane and damaging behaviors.

    I cannot be dishonest about this. I must do what we in recovery call "pulling our own covers". I have known all along that my core problem is willingness. Truth is I just don't want to feel the pain that waits patiently for me to face it. It is more unbearable, off the scale, over the top, and intolerable to me, than any suffering created by my poor choices and erratic behaviors.

    This is the difference between those who "hit bottom" over something, and those who don't.

    Is this a totally immature part of me?

    Unquestionably.

    Does accomplishing such a daunting task of healing, require the level of commitment required by a gladiator facing a pride of lions?

    Absolutely.

    Am I ready to reach for such an option?

    I wish I could offer myself a resounding, "YES!",

    but .....

    The truth is, my wounded self is not at any such "point of turning" (yet?), so the healthy, sensible part of me --- sadly a minority in my "inner corporate boardroom meeting" --- gets voted down everytime. (That was an excellent metaphor).

    And so for starters, I offer myself the following list of poor excuses, as substitutes for the rational and productive reasoning I so desperately need to be practicing here.

    The category of endless "projects" I permit myself to play with, don't require me to do the following:

    * Stand on my feet for long hours
    * Move or lift heavy objects
    * Make difficult decisions on stuff that sends me into panic attacks
    * Stop being a coward, and deal with the never-ending pain in my soul
    * Stop escaping by doing what's emotionally safe for me
    * Et cetera (You get the idea)

    Some of those sound like serious reasons on first blush, and some of them actually are; but even though everything has a reason --- there are volumes of things in this life, for which there are NO EXCUSES!!!

    I am the "Poster Child" for unacceptable excuses.

    So what do I do with myself? That's a tough one, all right. I'm extraordinarly tenacious, and as with all qualities of personality, soul and character, tenacity can be either an asset or a liability, depending on how one uses the force and energy of it. In my case it has become a gruesome and devastating liability.

    Sigh .....

    In these moments, I always remind myself of the apostle Paul, who is famous for certain Biblical venting, about something which is common to the human condition.

    He laments in detail about how he does the things he hates, and can't stop himself; while in turn, he would like to do good, but he doesn't.

    Then, with exquisitely profound anguish and exaltation, he cries dramatically,
    "O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?
    I thank God ....." (King James Version)

    ~See Romans 7:18-19;21;24-25 (The Amplified Bible)

    [Note: Special apologies to any devout Christians who will be offended that I did not complete the portion of scripture which mentions Jesus. However, it was not where I wanted my essay to "go" at the moment ..... and anyone who has read my writing knows: (#1) That I am spiritual, but not religious, and: (#2) That I have absolutely no interest in promoting any particular formal religious belief or creed.]

    Where am I going with all this? Wherever it takes me. I have no illusions about change at this point. I've been on the battle front too long. Nothing in my being has really changed as of this moment --- much as I might wish it had. I am locked in lethal combat with myself, and the conflict is killing me by the half-inch.

    Once again I must return to the one profound and sustaining truth to which I owe my life, and also what is healthy and right in me:

    I could not continue without God. If it weren't for my deep and abiding love for Him; my work for him --- which is my mission ... and my reason for breathing in and out and being on the planet; the spiritual principles I honor in my spirit, and forever yearn to follow; and the volume of terrific people in my life, I would have blown my brains out years ago. But God, my mission, my spiritual family, and my values are what nourish my being, and keep me going.

    And though I make these important things sound like desperate last resorts, the contrary is true. Because of things of the spirit being in my life, I am able to be content in the midst of horrendous circumstances. I find joy and fulfillment even while juggling my crises, and am able to be of healing service, even though my struggles are chronic and acute.

    What more is there to say? God must be everything to my inner person --- or He is nothing. I will be here in the world, and do what I can. I will lovingly, passionately, and gratefully do these things, for as long as He wishes it.

    ..... and a hearty "Amen!" to that!


    ~finis~

Comments (1)

  • Wow.  Bravo!  Amen! 

    What a great blog.  My best ones come from free write, what you refer to as writing from the pit.  That is where we make our progress.

    Much love to you!  I'm glad to see you writing. 

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