April 23, 2003
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Dear Xanga Friends
& Subscribers:
This message is especially for those of you who care to be reading it.
I so very much miss not being here, and I don't like that I haven't blogged on a regular basis. I also miss not reading anyone else's posts (with the exception of the Xanga team and it's four members --- collectively & individually --- to keep abreast of any Xanga changes or problems).
My mental, emotional, and physical disabilities, which have prevented my gainful employment for eleven and one-half years now (many of you are aware of this, from previous blogs), are getting in my way once again. The pattern of malfunction which develops in me, when I try to participate in most areas of my life, has now made it's premiere debut here at Xanga. DRAT!
It's called overwhelm. First, I get intensely involved in an activity of importance or interest to me, and then wind up creating [what is for me] a behemoth sized list of "things" which "MUST BE" taken care of. (Of course, the "must be" part is completely self-inflicted, but that is definitely a segment of the problem!)
So here I am, Lucy ..... tryin' to `splain what is basically not `splainable. I thank all of you who have subscribed to me, and have read me when I've been able to publish. I feel totally sheepish and guilty for not keeping abreast of what you folks are posting. (Guilty and sheepish to myself as well as to you, because I am depriving myself of the enjoyment I get when I DO avail myself of your thoughts and creativity.)
I can't predict when this "lockdown" of a slump will end. I am taking the time to write this blog, but it is causing me great anxiety, and I hate that part of it. I always like to experience joy and fulfillment when I write. (Sigh.....)
If only I could do like some of you, and write in the format called "stream of consciousness"; however, my perfectionistic tendencies (which are also one of the major causes of my difficulties), have me "chained" to producing "special" creations, which are as non-error-filled, as possible. Hence the act of blogging (like many another beloved pursuit) becomes excessively time consuming and ..... there's that 13-letter word again!
.....OVERWHELMING!!! 
Maybe after this I will try the "stream of consciousness" writing --- as a soul-growth exercise --- but I won't hold my breath, while waiting for it to materialize. At this point (as has been my past M.O.), it's only an idea, one which has been rumbling around inside me; yet as of this moment, has not escaped the solitary confinement of my brain!
[A humorous aside which I heard years ago, and adopted: "I should not be alone in my own head ..... `cuz it's a dangerous neighborhood!"]
Time will tell about all of this.
Another factor causing my absence, is that there are some important personal business issues going on in my life right now, which also have me overwhelmed and tied up in knots. Until they are history, I am not truly "free to play" here at Xanga. (Another sigh.....)
~~~
There are so many folks I want to give specific mention to, and [maybe by the next decade?!?] I will do so, but at this point I must reserve acknowledgement to only two of you.
#1
Always a thanks to Belindaann38 for her kindness and loyalty. A few days ago, I saw your comment in my chatterbox, Sweetie, and I left a reply there for you too!
#2
Gratitude to cedartree, who stumbled on my site, left eprops and a very kind and lovely comment, and also subscribed to my blog. Your out-of-the-blue visit inspired me to write this piece, and although there are many folks preceding you (for months now!) who deserve individual mention and/or investigation of their blog, I couldn't pass up this chance to honor you.
Thanks again Dear, for the kindly words in your comment; and when I finally return more fully to Xanga, and am playing catch-up with all my extraordinarily belated "Honorable Mentions" -- as well as the subsequent update of the "Sites I Read" -- I will visit your Blog. I'll comment there too, and probably subscribe.
~~~
I find that I enjoy about 99.9% of all the folks who seem to enjoy me also, and I have ultimately subscribed to all but a few of the ones I've read so far.
In closing, I hope I have the forgiveness and patience of the many Xanga friends I've not yet visited!
My heart and love to you all,
Shell
Comments (3)
Ah, geez - do I hear what you are tryin' to 'splain.
I undo myself in that very way, almost every time I undertake a new project. I grab it, cling it, twist it, turn it, and try to make perfect some gift that was handed to me to use in my life. In the past year, I have managed to temper that with the realization that the "need" to do that is, for me, just a manifestation of the "enemy" in my life - trying to block me from anything that brings me joy.
I basically spend a lot of time telling my head to shut the hell up.
It gets easier to do, with practice. As does anything. Your writing need not be perfect at all! It needs only to be honest to who you are. And those of us who read it will embrace it, and those who don't embrace it will move on and others will take their place.
Much love to you, and prayers in deal with the real life issues that are keeping you away. I do hope you come back soon.
http://www.cfids.org/about-cfids/do-i-have-cfids.asp
Here is the URL for the test if you have Chronic Fatique Syndrome.
Love, Karissa
You said to me on my site that you were inspired to comment to me? Well honey, let me tell you something.... YOU just inspired ME to write more often.
I go through the same thing you described here, but I do do a lot of stream of consciousness writing, I just don't do it here on Xanga like I used to. I should start doing it again. *sigh*
But I know and can relate to everything you said here in this wonderful blog! You go girl!
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement on my site and for the inspiration here in this blog!
LL&BB,
Stormy
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